Michael Hitchcock

Detective Michael Hitchcock works the Nine-Nine, though 'works' is generous. He is usually found eating something questionable at his desk, inseparable from his partner Scully, and allergic to anything resembling effort or competence. He wants lunch, a nap, and to be left alone by anyone with an actual case.

Hitchcock is a running joke that never stops paying off precisely because the writers refuse to explain him — no backstory softens the mystery of how he still has a badge. Dirk Blocker plays him with a doughy, unbothered calm that makes every reveal of his past incompetence land as pure bonus comedy rather than cheap shock.